Tag Archive for 'Dialogue'

Chat Bits

Published
by
Gary
on December 26, 2006
in Stuff
. 3 Comments

I was cleaning out my hard drive last night, and I found all these chat logs from my frosh years at Cal. Sniff, good times!

2003-May-02:

Me: A— says “hmm”
DL: about what?
Me: about you going home now
DL: well it’s boring here
Me: it’s more exciting at Stern?
Me: here you have all these sexy guys
Me: no sexy guys at Stern, just chubby women

2004-Feb-18:

Me: are you voting for Bush or Kerry?
AH: please
AH: why are you asking me this
AH: bush, duuuuuhhhh / i looooove bush
Me: lol… right?
AH: no
Me: what, you… bush?!
AH: oh, yeah, i meant yeah

2004-Feb-19:

RP: hey speaking of that can you send me those wierd asian songs
RP: like the shino one that roles the r’s
RP: and the other one with the dude that sounds like he has a vibrator in his ass
RP: you know
RP: there was like 3 of them
RP: who’s postal service?
Me: The Postal Service
RP: uh
Me: the lead singer is from Deathcab for Cutie
RP: who the hell is that
Me: shit R—–!

2004-Apr-05:

Me: may be 70 degrees at noon
MA: you should dl some HBK videos, the man is on fire, warm you right up
MA: i can send you some cool ones even if you want
Me: what’s hbk?
MA: damn, berkeley do this to you?
MA: you must’ve been studying too hard
Me: wait a second
Me: that’s that wrestler guy, right?
MA: THATS THE WRESTLER GUY!!!?!?!
MA: THE WRESTLER GUY!!!!!
MA: mother ku whats happened to you
MA: hes not some wrestler guy
MA: switch the uy to od on guy and you have it right
Me: Sean Michaels, right?
MA: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MA: thats like calling me M——!
MA: shawn, man like a knife through the heart
MA: dont they teach classes about shawns career up there?

2004-Apr-06:

Me: anyway, this will be an excellent opportunity for you to get some poontang
AL: poontang?
Me: yeah, you know, some rumpus
AL: eh?
Me: geez, some juicy… ah, nevermind
AL: …oh. OH. Oh my. Good heavens, no!

2004-Apr-08:

KA: Because think about it… these people are above average scholars
KA: So naturally they get bored with life easily (at the pace of everyone else)
Me: I don’t know about that argument
Me: you don’t have to be a scholar to be bored with life
KA: and naturally they synthesize an interesting situation with their lives
KA: no, of course not
Me: I mean, regular teens are hardly drama-less
KA: but I find that students who overachieve try to seek the same gratification that they get out of succeeding academically in other parts of their lives
KA: you know? they create tension to resolve it to get that feeling again

2004-Apr-30:

Me: yeah, it can be the next Ku Labs experiment
KA: I will pay you to do it.
Me: really?
KA: “Hi, I think you’re cute. Um, will you marry me?”
Me: man Kunal, you know how to sweeten the deal
KA: And just pull out a bag of plastic rings
KA: and ask them what color they want

Baby Seals

Published
by
Gary
on November 22, 2006
in Stuff
. 1 Comment

Gary: what’s turning you off?
Gary: does he like to eat raw baby seal?
Gary: is he republican?
B: he ate wallaby one time
Gary: yeah, ya dun told me that
B: you know, i don’t know what turns me off about him
Gary: that’s not as good as baby seal
Gary: so TENDER
B: yuck
Gary: it’s like a seal party melting in my mouth!

Penny

Published
by
Gary
on October 23, 2006
in Observation
. 8 Comments

Why is “Penny” even a name? Why would any parents name their daughters after the nation’s most disposable currency? I mean, is that even a good idea?

Wife: “Let’s call her ‘Cassandra’!”
Husband: “But didn’t…”
Wife: “You know how much I like prophetically dark names, dearest.”
Husband: “Ah, ya-huh. (I bet that was the name of an Evanescence song.)”
Wife: “Sorry, what did you say? It was hidden under your painfully sarcastic mumbling.”
Husband: “Oh nothing (dammit why did I marry a goth) HEY, I’ve got an idea! An idea! Let’s talk about my idea!”
Wife: “No good can—”
Husband: “—come from this? That’s where you’re wrong! I think we should name her ‘Penny.’”
Wife: “Erm, is that even a name? So, what, are ‘Tea Cozy’ and ‘Björk’ on the docket now, too? What about ‘Vagina’?”
Husband: “Well, those are all good suggestions—myself, I like ‘Vagina.’
Wife: “(Although when we make love you never—)”
Husband: “It seems so feminine… but anyway, of course ‘Penny’ is a name! I mean, if you think about it, ‘Penny’ is so rich with meaning!”
Wife: “Rich?”
Husband: “Yeah! It tells the world, ‘hey world, our daughter is so potentially worthless to us that we named her after the smallest denomination of currency possible!‘”
Wife: “…”
Husband: “And what’s it say of us? Well, we’re obviously so incurably shallow and materially-obsessed that we named our own daughter after money in the first place!”
Wife: “…”
Husband: “So, what do think? Pretty with-the-times, eh? Contemporary, you could say!”
Wife: “Honey?”
Husband: “Yes?”
Wife: “The divorce agreement, did you sign it?”
Husband: “Um, y-yes.”
Wife: “Good. Now, how about ‘Medea’?”

*No offense to all the girls out there named “Penny”—I’m sure you’re all, in fact, very well-endowed.

Perfect Couple, Part 2

Published
by
Gary
on October 14, 2006
in Observation
. 7 Comments

The other thing they do is talk really, really quietly to each other. Really. If it’s just me and them in the office, I won’t even realize that they’re talking unless I actually look with mine own eyes. It’s kind of suspicious, like they’re plotting… evil.

*Note: The following dialogue is a reconstructed approximation and may not be entirely accurate.

The Girl: Dearest, did you bring the bag of severed cat ears?
The Guy: Yes, Honey, relabeled “Intern-Grade Semi-Meat Fragments,” like you said.
The Girl: Oh, my Sterling Knight, thank you. I’ve already sneaked the bag of filet mignon; let us place our surprise within the cafeteria kitchen in time for lunch.
The Guy: Of course, my Desert Spring. May I inquire about the ants?
The Girl: Elegantly dumped into the cappuccino machine, Rampaging Crusader of My Heart. What of the 14 megaton thermonuclear warhead?
The Girl: Ah yes, Mr. Kim delivered payment on that yest—
[from over the divider] Gary: Heeeey guys, what’s going on?
The Girl & The Guy: Oh… it’s you.
Gary: Yeah, hey, do you guys know what the turning radius for parking lot ramps is? You know, like, how—
The Girl: It’s 4.5.
Gary: Awesome, great, thanks! [sits back down]
The Guy: The cyanide?
The Girl: Cleverly injected into his Mentos, Crown Prince of My Pelvis.
[heard in the next cubicle] Gary: Yo, JM, would you like a Mento?
JM: Sure man, thanks! Hmm, I’ve never had this flavor before.
Gary: You’ve never had mint?
JM: This is mint? It tastes like OH MY GOD MY MUCUS MEMBRANES WHY?!!!
[overhearing] The Guy: Oh, my FDA Grade-A Lover, your brilliance is simply too much! If only we could make gentle Christian hand-holding right here and now!
The Girl: FDA… Grade-A… what?
The Guy: …shut it bitch, it’s hard thinking of this crap!

Applying to grad school

Published
by
Gary
on October 1, 2006
in Stuff
. 6 Comments

I’m working on applications for graduate school. They are made of many things loathe-ful. Portfolio. GRE. Recommendations. Almost too large a loathe to lathe.

Tonight I wrote the essays, all in one go. The essays, the “personal statements,” are especially distasteful. Authorized egotistical outbursts, a Frankenstein creation of the pretty parts, the marketable parts of me. Reading them over, it’s like looking at a photo of a photo of myself in a too-tight tuxedo. I worked in “the degree to which Architecture has damaged and redeemed humanity and how brightly its beautiful hulks burn and glow,” which makes me smile. (It is part of an especially long sentence.)

The third paragraph is customized for the benefit of each of the five universities. They’re unbelievable loads of ass-kissing. Really, I had to gurgle after each one. Each version starts with “I feel [$UNIVERSITY_HERE] is the ideal university at which to reconvene my faculties.” Strictly speaking, these paragraphs aren’t total lies (except “the” should be “an”)—there’s lots of things I like, and each school’s good with at least one of them. (Except for one here unnamed institution, where I basically said “I like that you guys have lots of cash money” over and over.)

Really, I forgot how revoltingly tedious applying really is. There’s just too much crap to do. This is how it should work:

Dean of the School of Architecture: “Good morning, I see you’re applicant #1337. Are you ready for your admission interview?”
*(The Dean’s wearing a monocle, by the way.)
Me: “Oh, yes, yes sir!”
DSA: “You have your choice between the crowbar, this half-smashed Miller High Life bottle, and this authentic Boston Red Sox aluminum bat.”
Me: “Do I look like a bitch? The crowbar!”
DSA: “Very well, let us rumble, young punk!”
Me: “It’s on, you Ivy mutha!”

That’d be way faster. (I know what you’re thinking, “But Gary, it’s been a long time since your last street fight in the ‘hood!” True, but I could totally take a pasty flat-ass turtleneck-wearing 55-y.o. Dean of Architecture.)